Joshua Ocero

Its lunch time now and this hungry man is about to become an angry man. My enzymes and their expectations can only be compared to how Golola Moses waited for Nagy. Apparently, the days were delaying him. I need to get something to take my mind off the hunger, maybe something around office..does not have to be funny, anything!

Across the office at the reception stands my boss Joan. She is discussing something with Paul the administrator, I think its about the alarm response system they installed in the office recently. Oh! I think they are going to try and push the button to see how long the security guys will take to get here. “This should be interesting” I think to myself, so I wait along with them for the alarm response guys to show up.

Five minutes have gone by and I am already tired of waiting. The long wait is not doing my stomach any good either. So I turned my attention to something else…Richard the office assistant! Now there is a funny lad. What is he up to now I wonder. He seems to be unsettled, taken up by every sound he hears at the gate. I can see his veins popping out and quickly conclude that he is hungry as well and frustrated with the lunch lady. I do not blame him though, its now 1:30 pm and lunch was supposed to be here at 1:00pm! Anyway, fed up and full of frustration, he got up and moved towards the office telephone probably to call up the lunch lady Sarah. You can tell he is frustrated by the look on his face as he holds the handset and the sound of the buttons as he dials away. Poor woman is in for it, Richard might as well terminate her contract right now. Seems the call has gone through but the gesture on Richard’s face begins to loosen up! What could Sarah have said to him I wonder? He soon starts singing out loud the “Katikitiki” song by Angella Kalule, thats when I realize it is actually her caller tune. Richard begins to dance away but no sooner has he got his rythm than Sarah picks the call. Richard has now lost coordination between body and speech! He needs to shout at Sarah but his body is in such a jolly mood thanks to the caller tune. In the end he realises the call is useless and hangs up.

Fifteen minutes later, Sarah finally shows up with a slight limp. Apparently she fell off a boda boda bike earlier on and that is the reason for the delay. I will leave the castigation for the rest of the hungry people. I just want to get my food and get these enzymes off my case!

This food is not so bad anyway, worth the wait at least. But as I am about to put a first bite to my piece of chicken, I see a talk dark man running past my window. He has a gun! I was trying to take cover but relax when I see the badge on his uniform. LoL. This is the alarm response crew arriving! Hehe..by now we would have gotten back from helping the thief carry our property to the taxi stage!

People hide under their bed for many reasons. Majority of these people are adults below the age of 10..dont ask me why they are adults. Anyway, today I had to lower my myself to the ground and hide under the bed because of circumstances I am about to explain.

• My phone fell under the bed: The reason I lay in the dark shadow of my matress is simply because my phone fell under the bed! For sure. Some chic had called me on pakalast and she had no KB. All she was repeatedly saying was “uha…so wats up?”. Then I reply “I am okay, abit stressed with work..bla..bla..bla”. Then she replies “bambi sorry, you’ll be okay. uha so wats up?”. Then I say “mmmh nothing much, went to church on sunday..great sermon. I was blessed!” Then she goes mbu “Wow I was also there..it was really nice”. Then there was a small moment of silence…”uha..so wats up?”. All of a sudden, my phone dropped. In the process of trying to save it, I kicked it under the bed. I did not drop the phone intentionally because this chic was getting on my nerves. No, it dropped for real.
• There was a rat under the bed: In my life, one thing I have never feared is a rat. If rats were edible, I would never have gone to school and instead become a rat catcher(eater..muhaha). So today when I get back from work, I saw this rat running to the oposite side of the room. I quickly jumped onto my bed. Not because I was scared but because I wanted to have a better arial view of where it was running to. No sooner had my eyes settled to the silence than I saw the hopeless mammal climb up the wall adjacent to my bed. I quickly took action and dived under the bed. Not because I was scared but I just wanted to wait for it when it came back down.
• Landlord was knocking at the door: Everysince I moved into my new house, me and my housemate have been reading the electricity meter like a pastor reads a bible. So today after a long tiresome day at work, I walk over to my bed and my eyes land on a greenish-whitish piece of paper. I moved slowly towards it as it looked scarier every step I made. Then from a distance, I saw the word “UMEME”. My heart skipped a beat. I sat back on my bed gasping for breath like a cow about to face Hadji. Then all of a sudden, someone knocked at the door! The next thing I knew, It was dark, there was a soft material above me, and a hard floor beneath me.

Of recent, I have been traveling a lot by taxi. The company I work for shifted from dusty Kampala to fresher and cleaner Entebbe town so quite often I find myself using those Kampala – Entebbe Taxis a lot. I must say it is a different kind of experience from the boda boda or footing lifestyle that I was used to. An interesting experience I must add.

One of the very interesting things I find about these taxis is the women that travel especially to Entebbe from Kampala. Travelling to Entebbe gets passengers sitted for a longer period of time since stops are not normally until Kajjansi which is some distance from Kampala. So people(women in particular) like to pick their favourite places/seats in the taxi, places I have come to realize have a lot in common with their character! If you are about to marry a woman and need one more character test, take her on one of these taxis when it is still empty and note the place/seat/position that she is going to choose.

The front seat next to the driver(middle seat)

If she picks this seat without hesitation, have no second thoughts..marriage material I tell you. She is a wonderful wife, submissive also. This is definitely one of the most uncomfortable seats in the taxi yet right next to it is one of the most comfortable seats. This woman will definitely leave her comfort zone for whatever important issues, including you!

The front seat next to the door

As I said before, this is definitely one of the most comfortable seats in a taxi, a favourite for most guys. If your woman insists on seating here, hehe…you will most likely have two men in your house because she has a male ego too! To make matters worse, if she gets out to let another male passenger take up the middle seat; she will most likely give you a beating on a bad day should you “tamper her hot temper.”

Extreme back seat (extreme right side)

Not very easily accessible and nobody usually likes to seat here when a taxi is empty. However, it gives you uninterrupted travel to your destination..a sworn favourite for gossipers and rumour mongers! If there was anything like verbal diarrhea, women that seat here would need vaccination. They normally love to seat in pairs with the other taking up the middle seat but even when she is alone, she will attempt to make friends with her neighbour and begin to do what she does best. Not that am hating but just warning a brother.

Extreme back seat (extreme left side)

One word, SMART! This girl is too smart that if you were a C student in class, you better let her go else she will give you babies that will out reason you at a tender age. You would be better off with her neighbour gossiping her head off. Very few women understand that this is the most convenient seat in the taxi. A seat for great minds that think. This seat is easily accessible, gives you both an uninterrupted journey to your destination and a hustle-free experience when getting out of the taxi. It also has the best interior and exterior view of the taxi let alone it being on the side of the road where the taxi parks. She is smart I tell you, better be sure of yourself before taking your legs to propose.

Second last row near the window

This seat is exactly in front of the gossiper. Argumentative women just love this seat. She will start an argument or debate with however cares to listen, even the driver! She will normally first tell the driver that the volume of the car radio is too high and needs to reduce because she need to hear herself. She will then takeover…a radio without batteries. She is however surprisingly caring and sympathetic, something I also still find very interesting.

First row near the window(Behind the driver)

If your woman seats here, you are good to go..$$$JACKPOT$$$. You just got yourself a great mother for your children and a great housewife. Women that love to seat on this row are normally used to buying a lot of stuff like food and when traveling in a taxi, they have to seat here as it spacious enough to accommodate their stuff. Women that love kids and consider the comfort of their kids will also choose this  spot because is it spacious enough for both her and the kids. Perfect choice for a wife.

The other seats either do not have much of a story attached to them or can not be gotten out of choice so I will not say much about them. Perhaps I will update this again sometime.

I however wish to point out that this article is based my opinions based on my taxi experiences and should not be used against me…to all my haters especially..

Load shedding again! Yesterday we did not have power but hey, I did not complain because I was not at home. So today I came back home early thinking I would find power but baaam!!! What do you know, pitch black! That load shedding operator must be high on some Nsenene or something. I stood there for a moment wondering what to do next, where should I go? what should I do? I decided to bore myself and hang around but little did I know that we had run out of candles! Gees, what else could possible go wrong. So I decided to grub poor Laptop and finish what was left of its battery but before I could click “Login” on the facebook page, I started to notice strange things around me:

Ghost from the North

The last time I heard a phrase like this, I was reading the book “Mine Boy” and the phrase was “Xuma from the North”. However as I sat there pressing the keys on my laptop, I began to notice something strange; the keys of the laptop all of sudden started t0 press themselves! No kidding, my thoughts were being reflected on the screen but I could not see the fingers typing! The last time I saw something like this, some dark dude called Omara Daniel was walking in the dark putting on a white shirt. Looked like a ghost!

Strange man staring at me

If you do not hear from me again, I was killed by a tall man with a black coat. His head and shoulders look as sharp as that of a hanger and I can not really make out his legs. Thank God he is not moving towards me but his lack of motion is also sending shivers down my spine. Wait! He moved! He has actually fallen down..Oh, my bad, that was my jacket hanging on the door.

The third housemate

I do not stay alone. Yeah I have a housemate but again, we do not stay alone! We have some third housemate who is never willing to pay rent but really loves to share the food. I call him Kato but scientists love to call his kind Rattus norvegicus. I do not really mind him, as long as I know where he is..so I can avoid going there. But here I am, just hearing sounds and can not make out Kato’s location. I attempt to communicate but in vain; “Kato, Kato am sorry for that trap I put under the fridge that killed Wasswa”. He did not reply however, which got me more worried. I can only pray this dude doesnt climb the chair where I have lifted my legs.

Aaaah!!! Power is back, later…

Did you ever look at being Christian as living a lifestyle of a monk. The kind of thing you would find when you go for a Catholic Mass celebration, boring?! Would you wonder if christians ever have a life outside church.  Well, Power FM did a good job at answering these questions yesterday during their Phatfest 2011 “Kasiki”. Totally off the hook, RoofTop Garden City was on Holy Ghost Fire!

It being my first time to attend such an event, I was totally amazed at what I saw and experienced. Read on as I tell on some of the things that amazed me.

A Kasiki?!

Really! For a show? Why on earth would somebody have a show in preparation for another show? I later got to find out that it was actually a “Guntu Finale”. “Interesting!”, I thought to myself. Shooting two birds with one stone; getting guys hyped up for Phatfest and celebrating the success of the Guntus. Great Idea.

Free Food?!

Food at this event was literally free of charge! All you needed to get food was a Phatfest ticket. Really?! A ticket for an event as big as Phatfest costs just 25k and yet Power FM still goes ahead and feeds you a luxurious meal on the eve celebration! This only reminds me of the time when Jesus fed a multitude of people with just 5 loaves and 2 Fish. Surely Power FM is a sworn ambassador of king Jesus here on earth. Sometimes it takes God to keep a company from asking them self the common question…”Nfuniramuwa” (Not sure if I got that spelling right).

The Artists?!

Again, this was a free show but the artists that performed were world class! From a distance, you could think one of those popular secular celebrities was launching their greatest album. But on coming to take a closer look, you would be blown away at the level of humility these talented Christian men and women exhibited. Christ-like humility if you ask me. With the great talent at their disposal and crowds at their feet, they NEVER EVER at one moment raised themselves above their savior and King Jesus Christ. They were on a mission, the great commission if you ask me. CIA (Commision In Action) Agents as watoto church pastor Chris Komagum would put it.

Mac Elvis especially stood out for me in this regard. Though he seemed to be the most loved and favourite of all the artists, he accepted to be dragged on stage and forced to sit down on the floor so he could be sang for a Birthday song. His temper was not at all tickled by the act but instead he joined in the fun and gave his lead birthday singer a big hug afterward. WoW! Talk about humility! I for one learnt a lesson or two from him that day.

The Love!!

I got to understand what the Love family at Power FM is all about. Its not about Christian show offs or hypocrites as some conservative Christians would think. It is rather a real family! A family that passes on the love of Christ and doesn’t keep it to themselves.

One hour into the event and I felt like I knew everybody there. Amazing! I talked, danced, shouted and sang with a number of people like we had known each other for years. The fellowship of the Holy Spirit was certainly with us all. We danced and screamed and shouted for Lord yet none of us was under the influence of Alcohol. No, we were under the influence of LOVE. Our God is Love!

I could go on and on and on; about the lighting, the organization at the serving tables; the fun; etc but let me leave it at that. This event was something different. I am now certainly looking forward to Phatfest 2011. I only hope that Power FM can beat their own standard because the “Kasiki” certainly raised the bar!

If there were ever awards given for the best country at copying/duplicating/faking/plagiarizing/pirating, the award would be given to Uganda!…unopposed. We are so good at this business that we even have a company in Uganda called “Copy Cat”! Kyaba too much I tell you. However, of all the things we have ever copied, there is one particular one that has got me shaking my head.

Seriously???!!!

Of all the things we have copied, how did we ever get here? Okay we all remember those little boys called Tv and Radio that copied some Nigerian song and called it “Zuena”. Then there is that school in Kyengera called “Harvard College”, not to mention another school in Maya called “London College” but this one is going down in the books of history. We have officially lost it, run out ideas, made a profession out of plagiarism, a total waste of integrity and honour. Some Ugandan “X” has duplicated Facebook!!!

Don’t believe me, take a look…

And to add insult to injury, he went ahead and called his site “ugandanfacebook.com”! This made me laugh at first then shed tears…tears of embarrassment. He should have called the site “munsonyiwe.com” or “nkopye-fesibuku.com” or something.

I am definitely informing Mark Zuckerberg about this, we wont let such people make our country be branded all sorts of names.

For God and My Country!

God has truly gifted this year with rains, so much rain actually that sometimes it get a little too much but hey, we serve a God of abundance! One thing however that seems synonymous with rain is cold weather! Men is it cold these days or what?! I cant even take a hot cup of tea for more than 5 minutes anymore, its like we live in a refrigerator or something. Long story short, its damn cold these days!

• 8:00 pm: I am just getting back home from a long day at work, had to go on a dusty ride to town on a boda earlier on in the day so I feel as filthy as a cockroach.
• 8:05 pm: I quickly take off my sweaty clothes to take a quick shower but no sooner had I taken of my shirt than I felt the cold breeze sweep over the surface of my chest! I quickly got the sweaty shirt back on for the comfort of my chest which was starting to shiver. “This is tricky” – I thought to myself.
• 8:10 pm: I stood still for sometime pondering my next move when a thought crossed my mind – “Maybe I will shower in the morning, after all the Bible says in John 13:10 that I only need to wash my feet to be clean!”. Having this in mind with some serious scriptural backup, I decided to just wash my feet and arms then go ahead and jump into my bed. “I will shower in the morning.”
• 8:15 pm: Very uncomfortable feeling in bed. The sheets seem to be following me everywhere I turn in bed. Its like taking a plaster off the surface of my skin…sticky is the right word! Men!! This cant go on!
• 8:20 pm: I quickly jump out of the bed, pick the basin and head out to take that bath. Its a long walk though as I wonder which human being had to think of the activity termed “Taking a bath”. Ancient Africa seemed a lot better off without this nonsense! It rained on me earlier for crying out loud! Where did this sweat come from?
• 8:25 pm: I am in the showroom, fully dressed in Adam’s suit staring at this basin full of cold water, wondering how that water is going to get on my body. “Its not too late to turn back” – I think to myself.
• 8:45 pm: Twenty minutes have gone by. I have so far sang 3 songs, jumped around multiple times and my body is beginning to shiver because of full exposure to the weather. “This is ridiculous!” – I think to myself.
• 8:50 pm: “If I die, I die” – That is the phrase we often used when we were younger to do things we felt were impossible. So I quickly got the basin of water and poured it on my body whilst making a load victory roar!
• 9:00 pm: My 60 minute shower finally came to a dramatic end…what an evening!

Seems load shedding is not about to go away. So instead of complaining about it, I have decided to appreciate some of the benefits that come along with Load Shedding. Read on as I share with you some of the things am thankful to UMEME for:

• I know my room: You could hide anything in any corner of my room and I will definately find it. I know the structure of my room like the back of my hand. Gone are the days when I would open my door and all I see is darkness! I would stretch out my arms like a zombie trying to find my way but not without stepping in the sauce pan full of cooking oil or dropping all the glasses on the refrigerator, trying to find a match box. On one occasion, the Lord had to intervene and send back the electricity as I was about to step on a mouse trap. Gone are those days!!! Nowadays, I just roll up my sleeves, put a little swag on my feet and walk on through the darkness. No Ka-torchi, no solar lanterns, nada, its just in me now!

• The battery excuse: I dropped my Warid number simply because of that evil under the name “pakalast”. People would talk and talk till you just want to drop your phone in a bucket of water. So I dropped my Warid sim card and stuck to MTN but my my, either Ugandans are too loaded or some MTN users are bypassing MTN’s billing system. People are still calling for hours, with nothing to say at that! But thank God for UMEME in conjuction with china phones. Because china phones have such weak batteries, they will never allow you make calls for more that 15mins straight, hence the battery excuse.

• No need to Iron: Ironing has never really been a hobby. I find it a waste of time, let alone poor use of vectors. Moving a hot metallic plate up and down till it becomes “straight”! Really??!! Why don’t they just put the cloth in fire or something?! Anyway, because of load shedding, I at least have an excuse to go to work with an un-ironed clothes and not be questioned about it. If anybody questions me, I would probably ask them why they are putting on the same clothes they had the previous day!